| So this is how it ends |
[Nov. 13th, 2004|01:14 am] |
| [ | I'm Feelin'... |
| |  apathetic | ] |
| [ | Listen! |
| | "Told You So" by BNL | ] |
I never jumped in and rescued you
But I wanted to
I didn't tell you which way to go
Cause I thought you'd know
You had a problem with your new-found wealth
Brought it on yourself
I never told I told you so
But I told you so
Have to let it go
It's time to let it go
Now I can't believe
It took so long to leave
Perhaps one day I'll grieve
Or I never will
I never told you I agreed with you
I don't think I do
I wasn't sure quite what the whole thing meant
But I'm glad you went
I never thought that it could be painless
But it is I guess
I had myself fooled into meeting you
Did I fool you too?
Have to let it go
It's time to let it go
Now I can't believe
Took so long to leave
Perhaps one day I'll grieve
Or I never will
A viral infection
That can incubate for years
Caused by affection
Falling deep into arrears
No medication to procure
Makes me pure
There's no cure
I am sure
I never mentioned how Ive prayed for you
Now I've paid for you
I never said that I would wait for you
It's too late for you
It's time to let it go
Now I can't believe
It took so long to leave
Perhaps one day I'll grieve
Or I never will
Or I never will
I never will
Oh I
Oh I
Oh I
I never will
Never will
No, I'm not letting an 11 month relationship end a 5 year friendship. I spent a great deal of time considering my decision, and I would not have done what I had done if I was not entirely sure. Perhaps one day our paths will cross once again, but only time will tell. For now, at least, I bid you farewell. Never before has a parting been so painless for me, the lack of guilt is almost upsetting. Adieu, my twin, I hope your happy with the path you've chosen.
As the page closes on this part of my life, so must this journal become a memory. Anyone who wishes to visit my new journal should contact me at DillutedSanity@aol.com. Thank you.
-Jeremy |
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| Fucking Terrific, Just Fucking Terrific |
[Nov. 6th, 2004|04:47 am] |
| [ | I'm Feelin'... |
| |  scared | ] |
| [ | Listen! |
| | "Adam's Song" by Blink 182 | ] |
So what now? Do I lose that which I've worked so hard for? I rid myself of Kelsey, and somehow it doesn't seem quite enough to not make me worry. Here I am, finally having some clarity of thought, some realization of how deep my feelings run for Jen, and there it all goes. Perfect. I only hope she loves me as much as I love her, because if she doesn't, I know I've just lost her. Nobody is ever content keeping to themselves, they always have to meddle, do what they think is best. I know what's best for me, I'm not a fucking baby, I can stand up and not drink the things under the sink and shit in the big boy potty just like the rest of you. That's why I can't fall for you again, that arrogance just never fades. You don't know me because I don't let you, I give you that same mask that everyone else gets, because that's the me you want. I'm not that me anymore, I'm just a stupid, worthless excuse for a human who has but one true success in life, and that very success is turning into a failure right before my eyes. Some days I just wish I wouldn't wake up, so I could stop bothering people and they can just get on with their lives. It's nights like this, where I have nothing left, that I imagine my own funeral. All the empty seats, just my close family there. My dad's ha;f of the family wouldn't know or care, and the last person who loved me on my mom's side is now gone. The eulogy would be droll and emotionless, since most of my major successes were from 3rd to 6th grade. I've led an empty life until now, and without love, it would be empty again. I'd have died with no education, no legacy, no nothing, so I'd just be forgotten anyway...
And then I have to stop, to avoid plunging into depression. I have to remember that I have reasons to live, that I can still scrap up the remnants of my life and build something from it, because I'm stronger then that. I don't want to lose Jen, though, and I can hardly see through all the tears just to type that.
I don't care what you think of me anymore Kelsey, I thought you were my friend, but that's bull shit. Real friends stand by their friends, not lash out at them. What you did was wrong, and not even attempting to apologize made it worse. I don't need a friend like that.
-Jeremy |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2004|02:53 am] |
| [ | I'm Feelin'... |
| |  busy | ] |
| [ | Listen! |
| | Soft Jazz | ] |
Such a long month ahead of me. I have a LOT of work to do, and not a lot of time to do it in. I have to get my license (Obviously, things have been set back. Gonna go take the written test next week, wish me luck!) Then get the starter in my car. In addition to that, I have to get the head gasket on the plow before the snowfall, and the bolt and key back into the tractor. I have to help dad get their room done, or I will absolutely go insane from lack of privacy. I have to get all my Christmas shopping done (I'm buying gifts for my family and all my friends this year), plus get a gift for Rhiannon's birthday. I have to keep up all the lawn work, including our own. That's only half of it, lots and lots of work ahead of me.
On a less overwhelming note, Jen and I's first year anniversary is December 2nd. We're going to make it a special date, semi-formal. We'll go to Olive Garden (We'll probably both end up paying, lol.), and unless I can find something more romantic, we'll go catch a movie. It'll be the first formal date we've ever had, and it's an important day for us. I can't believe it's a been a whole year. She's the only one for me, and I couldn't be happier. I've got my own surprise for that date, but that's my lil secret. =) Love you so much Jen, and to everyone else, may you go with the protection of God.
-Jeremy |
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| Why am I wearing a helmet, and WHERE are my pants? |
[Nov. 4th, 2004|12:36 am] |
| [ | I'm Feelin'... |
| |  pensive | ] |
| [ | Listen! |
| | "We're in This Together Now" by NIN | ] |
Well, it's Wednesday night. It's supposed to rain tomorrow, I hope it doesn't. I need to run to the bank and cash my check and set up an account. Also, I need to rake. It's been a long week.
I've spent a great deal of time thinking about Jen and I. I was really worried, really, REALLY worried about losing her. For a while, I had accepted it as an inevitability that we would fall apart. I mean, look at all the strife we went through in the last couple of months, even she wasn't sure what to do. But now, I know without a doubt that she loves me, and there is something truly special between us. We're in this together now, and together we'll resolve our problems. I love her in ways I can't describe, and because of that I am willing to compromise and work. Nothing worth having comes without a fight, and if the reward is always worth the fight, there's a good chance that she could be the one.
Such deep and difficult thoughts...
Goodnight, and as always, God bless.
~Jeremy |
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| Good Weekend |
[Oct. 31st, 2004|10:57 pm] |
| [ | I'm Feelin'... |
| |  peaceful | ] |
This was a good weekend. I got to be with Jen with minimal interference. We got to sleep together (Well, somewhat, that may have bee the only thing lacking from this otherwise beautiful weekend) and I got to see her smile. Somehow, even when dad id making me feel like shit, just being hugged makes it all go away. I didn't feel like I had to cry (disregarding that nightmare, where I woke up crying and cuddled up to her even though she said she didn't want me to.) at all this weekend, though I probably should have. I felt good, it was rejuvenating to be with her again, and nobody else could make me feel that way. I'm just really happy, and that will help come 3 pm tomorrow, when I have to face the truth. I think I might not even cry, I should hope so. She really is better where she is, and I know she's happy. She wouldn't blame me if I cried, because I'll always miss her, but she is in my heart.
Love all,
Jeremy |
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| Mourning |
[Oct. 30th, 2004|01:30 am] |
| [ | I'm Feelin'... |
| |  morose | ] |
| [ | Listen! |
| | Amazing Grace | ] |
What an aweful day. My grandfather woke up up this morning, quarter to 5 am. My great-grandmother was in critical condition. Things went down, and I ended up at the hospital. I held her hand, kissed her forehead a multitude of times, and told her how much I loved her. She moved, a lot, and used a lot of energy to open her eyes and look at me. Even then, I could see her pulse dropping, a beat would slip off every hour or so. I stayed for a long time, watched the minister perform the final rights...then we went home. No sooner had we pulled in the driveway then dad ran out...great-grandma's vitals were falling, fast. I knew before then that she would not see the day out. It saddened me to hear that her one wish was to make it to Saturday, her 45th anniversary. We got grandma there via transport, and then....she died. She saw everyone that day, and everyone was there to tell her they loved her. After grandma got there, and held her hand (After my grandfather practically killed the doctor. He was an asshole, he just walked in "You know she's already gone, right? Might as well turn these off..." Grandpa would have ripped his hand off it he had dared to.) her pulse went erratic, and when it levelled back out, it had dropped from 58 to 24...and then, to 2. They said grandpa was yelling at her, telling her to breathe and stand up, that she could do it...but she was already dead. I handled it all right when dad called, I just went back to doing things. But when they got home, it hit me, and it hit me so hard. I cried, I sobbed on dad's shirt, and again countless times tonight. I called off work, I can't go to work like this. I am still crying, it hurts so much to have lost her. I only hope Jen can come down, i really need some support right now, because everyone else is so sad. She might not be able to, but I really, really need her here, or I don't know what I'll do. I love her so, and I really need someone to remind me of the good things, the things I smile for.
I love you so much, Jen, please remember that....
-Jeremy |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2004|01:33 am] |
| [ | I'm Feelin'... |
| |  optimistic | ] |
| [ | Listen! |
| | "Call and Answer" by BNL | ] |
Wow, what a long day. I got my room all clean! I can't believe how good it looks, I got rid of ALL the clutter (including moms pile of crap that used to be my desk) and wiped all the dust off of everything. It feels good to know I did it, all by myself. Also, the living room is done in the same fashion. I used antibacterial spray in the Swiffer Wet Jet, and the floors are finally clean clean, not just half-assed. It smells clean, too. Mom says Jen and I can sleep in the living room so we can be comfortable, instead of listening to them snore all night. 0.0 I'm going to cut up/steal some firewood so we have something to keep us warm, and to break in the new fireplace. No, no sex, you perverts. =P
In other news, I have no idea what Jen is going to do while I'm gone. I'll come up with something, because I can't just leave her to fend for herself. Also, i have to find something to cook for dinner that night, so what we eat is actually considered edible. LoL. I'm thinking something pasta-based, something GOOD and pasta based, not just bow-tie noodles in italian dressing >XP. Ick. Well, I need to cook up something awesome, because I probably won't be eating it. I hate working, but at least I get money for it. Maybe I can con someone into driving us to Maumee to catch a late flick, since that's the ONLY theatre showing movies past 9:45. It says roughly 20 minutes, but the directions are never really accurate on time. Besides, I know the route, and I don't even think it takes more then 10 minutes. Come home from work, wash up, go out and catch a late flick, come home, and cuddle up in front of the fire. Sounds like a night to me. The next day? Beats me, I'll figure it out later. Who knows, I might already know what I'm doing ^.^
-Jeremy |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2004|12:05 am] |
| [ | Listen! |
| | "The Sickness" by Disturbed | ] |
You know, some days you just want to forget it ever happened. I have a long day ahead of me, and I wish grandma would just go to bed. I'm glad Jen got back with Andrea, she really missed her. In other news, Jen is coming down here this weekend, and I'm really happy. I miss being able to hold her, to have her with me. This time, though I am busting ass to make sure the house is immaculate, because mom isn't making us clean. Better yet, I don't think she has this weekend off, so we might have Sunday free too! *crosses fingers* Well, goodnight all, gotta go do some...stuff. I love you Jen, always.
~Jer |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 24th, 2004|01:05 am] |
| [ | I'm Feelin'... |
| | accomplished | ] |
| [ | Listen! |
| | "Butterfly" by Crazy Town | ] |
I've had an interesting day...It started right when I left here, round about 3:30. I got home to find my mother on the kitchen floor, curled up in a corner, and a previously unopened bottle of wine empty on the floor in front of her. Apparently she couldn't take all the stress anymore, so she downed the whole bottle. She went on and on to me, blubbering, about what an aweful man my father is, how little he does for her and how much she can't stand him. After that she talked about how hard and degrading it is for her to take care of grandma, day in and day out, and how the only real person who can relate to that is me. She went on for a while, but the real root of the problem was her grandmother.
My great-grandmother is in bad condition, the worst she's been in years. Her arteries are hardening, and her lungs are failing. To me, she's the last of my extended family that I can honestly say I love. She went my great-grandmother Fizer's funeral with me. To mom though...she is closer to her then a mother, closer then anyone has ever been to mom. When she dies...I don'tknow what it willd o to mom, I really don't She sobbed about how she didn't want to lose her, how much she loved her...she said that after great-grandma passes away, all she'll have left is me. Why? I haven't a clue, but apparently she values me in some remote way. Well, after dad came home, I went to bed, popped my headphones on, and went to sleep about 5 am.
Well, woke up today about 1 pm, which is quite late for me, but nobody ever told me to get up or bothered me, so I just caught up on my sleep. My original plan was to mow the lawn, but alas, it rained. Being totally alone for once, I threw in some Rob Zombie, cranked up the volume, and got to exercising. Man! I never felt so out of shape! I still busted ass though, and after about 50 push-ups, 25 sit-ups, 50 crunches, roughly 125 jumping jacks, a minute to a minute and a half of bicycles, and a full 2 minute wall sit. I could barely lift myself off the bed, I was burnt. I dragged myself right to the shower, and I took what was almost a cold one. After that, dad came home after shopping (With his money, for the first time in almost a month, unloaded a bunch of groceries, forgot like 8 things, and left me to do chores.
You see, whem I'm alone and not being constantly pushed and agitated, I like to do my chores. I like just being alone, or with a friend, even Jen, with some music going. I can get the whole huse clean in a few hours that way. However, it's never that way, someone's always around to run me ragged and give me 8 million unorganized things to do. Ah well, such is life.
Well, after that, things continued on as normal, and here I am. I only really talked to Jen,a nd now I feel kind of bad. She stays up every night to talk to me, but that takes time out of the sleep she needs. I have to try to do something to make it easier on her, so that we can talk at an average time and not have her go all Mr. Hyde on me. I need a computer, desperately so. At this time, all I need is something with an internet connection, which means I have to pay off that dreadfully large phone bill. I really, really want to make it work for both of us. The quickest computer I can get is hot, $200, no questions. Or I can fix up mine, but I still need a phone line. Damn, I wish I had a cedit card. I'll figure something out, that's what I'm good at. A good night's sleep and some bitching, maybe my newfound and awkward closeness to my mother will come in handy. Until then, good night all, and may your gentle souls all rest peacefully and safely. And Jen, I love you, thank you for being my shining star. I'll find a way to make this work, there has to be something we can do.
tout qui m'aime, le repos protégé par les anges,
Jeremy |
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| "It's not always rainbows and butterflies, It's compromise that moves us along..." |
[Oct. 23rd, 2004|02:25 am] |
| [ | I'm Feelin'... |
| |  relieved | ] |
| [ | Listen! |
| | "The Flag" by BNL | ] |
I feel a lot better now, it's almost unbelieveable. You know, we needed to do that, to just talk things out, and there was no way around it. Things should always be out in the open like that, there isn't any easier way around it. I can't thank you enough for just letting out the truth, even though some of it was painful for the both of us.
There isn't anything wrong with having cold feet. This is a big thing, I've never been with anyone this long either. It's a big step, and total honesty and trust are the completely neccesary. The way you were open with me tonight, about what you wanted me to do and why you were upset; I love that. It's so much more effective then trying to drive me to do it without actually telling me to. That is the way I want it, I want us to be able to say how we feel about each other -both the good and the bad- without fear. We can do that now, I think, and because of that we've reached a new high in our relationship.
It is true, to a point, that I am not absolutely perfect in my hygene. I don't always shower every day, I only really shave when I'm going somewhere. I brush just about every other day now, but it's painful and detrimental to my teeth to do so, because of the problems I already have. The most noticeable thing, though, is my weight. Since you started distancing yourself from me and basically making me feel like I was insufficient, I've risen from 201 to 221 pounds. I couldn't believe it when I saw the scale, and I cried. I can't be that heavy, it's not healthy or attractive. Adding insult to injury, I could barely do 50 crunches, but I do do as many as I can. I was already doing that before now, because I needed to stop myself. Still, your support is an immense help. It may be an exaggeration to say that without you, I wouldn't take care of myself, but you are the sole reason I strive so hard to improve myself.
Long story short: I love you, I can't help that. No amount of distance or anger from you can change that. If you left me, it would devastate me, and I would have to move on. I don't think I would be able to love you this way again. I don't think it will get that far, not now. I got out what I had been longing to say, and I hope you did too. Well, it's now 3:30, and I have to get up tomorrow and fix the tractor before mom knows it broke.
Interesting side note, I don't have work tomorrow. Woo. I love my boss sometimes.
Anyway, goodnight all, wish me luck!
~Jeremy |
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endlesslover's journal